Thanksgiving: Not a Woman’s Holiday
I was just checking my friends status list on Facebook and found myself getting irritated. In case you don’t know, the Facebook status bar is like Twitter. People write one or two lines about what they are doing right now.
Everyone was writing things like, “I am refreshed after holiday festivities.” Or “I am full and happy.” Or “I am going to sleep in tomorrow.”
Must be nice.
Nobody wrote, “I am bone tired and I burned myself on the stove. Or “My feet hurt and my fingers are wrinkled from doing so many dishes.”
How did it ever come to be that all the men get to play touch football or sit around watching football on TV while the women work like slaves cooking and baking and setting the table and doing dishes?
I know, I’m generalizing. I’m sure there are lots of men out there who do all the cooking and the clean up. I’m sure there are lots of women who just breeze in at the last minute, without so much as a bottle of wine or a dish of yams, and then sit around afterwards with their feet up watching TV.
I just don’t know any of those women. Nor do I know any of those men.
Every year the same thing happens. I’m always excited about cooking and looking forward to a wonderful meal — and after it’s all over I’m exhausted and resentful — and never want to do it again.
I didn’t have Thanksgiving at my house this year. My friend, Vivian hosted it at her house.
But I still ended up lugging (and paying for) a 25-pound turkey from the farmer’s market, plus flowers and decorations and various other things we needed. And I made pies and stuffing and ice cream. GAPS legal pie and stuffing and ice cream, all made from coconut flour and coconut milk and ghee.
I guess I could have not made pie or stuffing or ice cream. But then the only thing I would have been able to eat would have been dry turkey and broccolini.
Anyway, Vivian and I cooked and shopped and prepared for two solid days. We hefted chairs up from the basement and ironed napkins and chopped vegetables and searched for kitchen utensils and ran out to get bags of ice and flour at the last minute.
It was a potluck, so everyone brought something. And the food was wonderful. And lots of people helped and did dishes. The house was pretty clean this morning when I left.
So really it was not that bad.
It could have been worse — like last year, when I hosted at my house. To get a taste of how much I worked last year, read my post from a year ago: Not a Woman’s Holiday.
I am also thinking back to my childhood. My mom always did everything — literally soup to nuts, and then all the clean up — while my dad drank and watched football. Same thing at my grandma’s house. The men sat around and discussed politics and sports while the women cooked and cleaned.
Next year maybe I will book a trip to Mexico. Where they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Then maybe I can be thankful for rest and relaxation — and a dinner made by somebody else.
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28/11/2008 at 2:04 pm Permalink
I didn’t even host or do as much as you did, Ann Marie, but it still took me most of the day on Wednesday to do what little cooking and baking I did do, while stopping a thousand times to make the other 3 meals that day, laundry, figuring out what Christmas shopping I needed to do this weekend, and a thousand other things. It sure is wearing some days.
28/11/2008 at 2:06 pm Permalink
I know precisely what you mean! I am someone who is the sole nurturer, plus only domestic goddess from my childhood family, as well as my created one! Two years ago, I announced that I was NEVER cleaning up after Thanksgiving again – I was seriously annoyed by the “Mama does it all” plan and not only have streamlined my dinner for maximum Thanksgiving day enjoyment, I don’t clean up anymore. This leaves me free to sit down in front of the fire, listen to music, enjoy the company of loved ones, without the bitter, seething resentment – hardly something to be thankful for! A couple of tips from me – I saw a recipe for the easiest, best-tasting turkey from Gourmet magazine several years ago. No stuffing the bird (although you can), no basting, no foil tents, no struggle – you clap that bird in the oven with salt and pepper, uncovered, at 450 degrees, and it’s beautifully done after a couple of hours! Seriously! I have never looked back…..Tip number two – if you own a crockpot, peel and chunk your potatoes in water in that sucker about 9AM (low or high, depending on when you’re eating), clap the lid on and walk away. When you’re ready for mashed potatoes, drain the excess water, throw in your grass-fed butter and raw milk, and mash them right in the pot, and turn it to “warm”. Potatoes stay warm for seconds and will be fine if they finished early, too. A little cooking one or two days before, and there is VERY LITTLE to do on Thanksgiving. I’ve been cooking Thanksgiving feasts for nearly 30 years (I’m 46), and I”ve FINALLY GOTTEN THE HANG OF IT!!!!! Finally, Mama gets to be thankful, too.
28/11/2008 at 2:08 pm Permalink
My grandparents were wonderful role models. Gramma was a good cook, but she *hated* cooking. So when Grampa retired, so did Gramma, because Grampa *loved* cooking. Before that he already did the cooking on holidays and weekends.
And Gramma never minded doing the washing up — she didn’t mind housework (“You can see what you’ve accomplished when you’re cleaning. You can cook for hours and soon all you have is a mess to clean up”).
Paul doesn’t cook much, and I have to *ask* him to clean up most of the time, but he’ll do either if I ask him to, and he’ll help with stuff whenever I ask, especially if I tell him exactly what needs doing (he’s got neuro issues, just like me).
28/11/2008 at 6:21 pm Permalink
I was the only woman at a dinner with 16 gay men. The only thing I had to make was my world famous cheddar biscuits, in which case, I coerced my hubby in to grating the cheese – thus sparing my finger tips. And I had to make a 1/2 a gallon of gravy because for some reason all my beloved male friends can’t thicken anything without it turning to paste.
I got lucky this year in being well taken care of by all of the guys, I am definitely making this my traditional place to be for Thanksgiving! And speaking of thanks, thank *you* for having such a great blog. I’m new to it but I’ve learned a lot in the past few weeks of reading.
28/11/2008 at 9:00 pm Permalink
My father did most of the cooking, Mom did a pie, I did creamed corn and burnt-sugar ice cream, and Sissy did green beans and roasted carrots and parsnips. Store-bought rolls. Everything was great. Daddy did all of the dishes today. We don’t hold out much for gender roles around here – everyone does the jobs they like best. And everyone’s equally tired, and satisfied, afterwards.
28/11/2008 at 10:22 pm Permalink
This is the first year in a long time that I didn’t cook a big dinner or help with a communal dinner at someone else’s house. We joined friends at a YMCA family camp event at a cabin campground in the mountains about 1:30 hours from our home. It was great, especially for those of us who live long distances from our extended families.
The camp staff cooked all the food, and it was quite good, just about all homemade, right down to homemade ice cream and omelets to order. There were lots of activities like rock wall climbing, archery, bb target practice, hiking, canoeing, crafts, evening programs with skits, etc. And no electronics! Not being consumed with meal prep and cleanup was very liberating. We are all in agreement that we should do this again next year.
28/11/2008 at 10:39 pm Permalink
Thanks everyone for commenting. I’m learning about myself, what I want and don’t want in the future. It’s nice to hear about everyone else’s traditions — and breaks from traditions.
My husband is not the type to roast a turkey — and probably never will be. I think I can bank on that.
I guess maybe in the future we need to hire some help. Or I need to work something out with our friends so I’m not doing so much (usually the case).
Or we will have to do something unconventional for Thanksgiving — like Anna did (sounds really fun).
We’ll see…
29/11/2008 at 2:59 pm Permalink
I must be from another planet, but I had no idea there was football on Thanksgiving day.
Its just the two of us and neither one of us has large families (his entire family consists of three other people) and no one wanted to travel so we had a couple friends over. I didnt do a traditional TG dinner – wanted to keep it simple, (local and organic) so I didnt spend all-day in the kitchen. Though I love to cook, I cant imagine doing that unless I’m working in a soup kitchen feeding those in need.
29/11/2008 at 4:06 pm Permalink
We also did a GAPS-friendly Thanksgiving at my parents’ house. My mom is on an anti-cancer diet, which is so similar to the GAPS diet that it was easy to cook for her. We divided up the tasks: Mom did the organic, free-range turkey and the sweet potatoes and rice (for those who could have those non-GAPS items), I did the coconut flour biscuits-that-turned-into-flatbread (LOL!), crustless pumpkin pie made with coconut milk and honey, and berry soup (cranberries, blackberries, blueberries simmered in a bit of water). Dad carved the turkey and did all the dishes afterward.
It was very unconventional, but we didn’t mind! And cleanup was done by mid-afternoon. I went and took a nap. It may have been a blessing in disguise that we couldn’t eat many foods this year, since we would have gone all out and made all the traditional stuff otherwise, and nearly killed ourselves in the process.
And yeah, I cheated a little. Coconut is not on the intro diet, but I decided to have some anyway. Not a bad enough kind of cheating to feel guilty about.
04/12/2008 at 11:55 am Permalink
Hey Cheese Slave,
I like how the Dutch do it. Men and women have their particular duties, but both sexes are willing to jump in and help whenever needed. That’s how it works around my house as well.
I am definitely “the cook” of the family, but my husband is more than willing to help out, when needed. (and we Paul’s-my maiden name-have a long tradition of the men cleaning up the kitchen when the women cook. My dad always did the dishes for us on holidays).
I personally think what we are missing is the community of preparation. It’s a lonely job to cook all by yourself all day. But it can be loads of fun to do with family and friends. My sister and I had a lot of fun cooking thanksgiving pies together(and a lot of other stuff), when in high school. We would turn on Christmas music and laugh and talk while our hands were busy preparing food.
But sometimes I think we get too tired, when we just try to make too much stuff! Keeping it simple can be a good idea too.
Oh, and one more thing, my husband’s family has the tradition of everyone helping chop up the ingredients for the cranberry salad (nuts, orange, apples, cranberries). It’s a fun family tradition, and doesn’t place all the work on just one person.
(Yeah, I got to leave a comment on your site *wink*. I’ll email you soon. )
05/12/2008 at 9:16 am Permalink
YAY! You did it! Not sure how you did that but it worked! So yay!
Your are so lucky to have a husband and family who help. I am going to train my kids to do chores for sure.
My husband is not so great about helping BUT he does pay for help. He works crazy hours as a consultant — probably an average of 80-90 hours per week. At least! He was on a 2-hour conference call this morning at 7 am — and he goes all day and into the night.
So he pays for a housekeeper to come twice a week and that helps out tremendously. Of course I work crazy hours, too. If we didn’t have a housekeeper, this house would be a disaster, the laundry would never get done and we’d have a sink full of dishes.
So I’m very grateful to have her.
But yeah, I’ll have to figure out how to do the holiday thing better…